To those of us in family recovery, the suggestion of a moral inventory stirs up complicated feelings. Some of us rush to deep guilt and almost can’t wait to admit all our transgressions, thinking if we just take enough responsibility, everything will be okay. Others might think the need for a moral inventory is obvious for drinkers and users—but it’s less obvious that we could benefit from one ourselves.

But nothing loosens the grip of our illness like a gentle, clear-eyed inventory taken with another person. Many people in family recovery have used the four M’s as a framework: martyrdom, management, mothering, and manipulation. Examining my day-to-day actions with those four categories in mind can help me see how I’m getting myself into trouble.

Today, as I go through my work, I will remember these four M’s. Am I taking on too much, hoping to get noticed? Am I mothering someone or managing a coworker’s behavior in ways that are not part of my job? Am I trying to get others to think, feel, or do something? If (when) I notice myself engaging in these actions, I will pause to practice gratitude for the chance to see things more clearly.